things

this morning, i was willing to move from this xanga to either joiedevivre.blogspot.com, or joiedevivre.tumblr.com. unfortunately, both are already taken......... by people who haven't written for a really long time. i wish i could message them and say, hey! do you mind changing your userid? cuz i really, really want yours, and i write way more often than you do, so the blog would go to better use. ...but i'm not gonna do that. anyway.

i am purposely refraining from really writing in here. why? because i'm tired of myself. a few days ago, i contemplated privatizing all of my entries, but i was too lazy, because you have to do it one-by-one. but impersonal things i can write about:

i've finally decided that fashion is truly an art. i've been a mall rat the past couple of days (not buying anything though) so i've been doing a lot of observing about clothes, and it all comes down to this--people care about their attire for one (or two) of two reasons: they care what people think about them, OR they are very visual people to whom presentation is very important. i think the second reason is underrated, as most people who shop a lot, have a lot of clothes, or dress well, are judged for those very things. i mean, besides the fact that you could use that money to probably help save a life or build a home, i really think there is nothing wrong with this. (i'm not making a snide remark--it's simply true. angelina jolie spends millions of dollars on herself/her family, but also spends millions on charity. i think it's about finding a balance between giving cheerfully from your heart, but also exercising your freedom to spend how you want on what you want, with mindfulness and a good conscience being both a guide and a barometer). actually, i guess wwjd might be better. buuut the problem with that is that, i think the burden of giving perfectly and fully (i.e. being broke) would make you feel very burdened or become legalistic, so unless you're a saint, then... refer back to that paranthetical phrase.

anyway, obviously i care what people think about me. duh. but, the second reason is just as legit. (feel free to disagree). it's like when you appreciate an artpiece, whether it be a sculpture, photograph, painting... for whatever reason you like it, whether it be an emoted feeling or sense, it's undeniably connected to its aesthetics. there is no way of getting around that, and i think it's the same with clothes. when you are dressing yourself, you're trying to construct a "piece", or "outfit", that you enjoy because it looks good, or makes you feel however, or shows that you feel however, and most of all, it appeals to your visuals.

there are plenty of people who don't care at all about fashion or clothes. i'd guess that these are also the people who don't really care too much about their personal space, like how they decorate their room or home, and that they are also the people who wouldn't pick an art exhibit or museum as their saturday afternoon activity of choice, or who wouldn't describe themselves as thoroughly appreciative of the fine arts. which is all perfectly fine. and maybe it's even more simple than that--maybe they're just not visual people. i'm just describing the other side. and it makes sense because most people you see at fine arts events are dressed very well or interestingly. they are at the event, and take care in how they are dressed, for the same reason. (again, feel free to disagree).

i don't even know why i wrote this almost editorial like defense of people who care about fashion. maybe because it annoys me when, just because you can seemingly barrage someone because of what they care about or how they live their life, people do. and admittedly, there is a high correlation between fashionistas and superficiality, clotheshorses and ignorant spoiled brats, but hey, it's not 100%. am i actually trying to defend myself? ...mm no because i'm not a fashionista. haha. i wish! :P

anyway, it's interesting because i used to also judge people who spent so much money, esppppecially in this regard, after i came back from uganda in 2007. the fact remains that clothes, or whatever material object, are fleeting, useless... in the end, who will effing care about what someone wore? there are a gazillion more important things in life. i still do get really annoyed by people who spend mindlessly on stupid things, IF, they are not also generous to things that could use their money. please be mindful of your spending. but i guess with a few years and a second trip comes more balance, and i realize... honestly, you just can't judge anybody. freaking let people be. and just love them as they are, and do what you do. if you think the way you live, and the way you think are so great, then just keep doing it, and if it's worth catching on to for whatever reason, people will notice it for themselves. we are constantly influencing each other, every moment of our lives. i'm influencing you, as you read, or have been reading my blog. the very thought of you reading this, is influencing me.

hopefully, let us influence each other for good. if you are someone who someone would call a bad influence, shame on you. you freaking need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. hahaha you like how i say that right after my little schpeal up there? no, but i'm serious. it's so important. do you want to be wack?? no, you don't. so be a good influence. the end.

batter my heart

Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, overthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town to another due,
Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.

Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy;
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

... word, John Donne.

let's redirect this.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  -- 1 Peter 5:8

"I am not just speaking metaphorically or poetically when I refer to the enemy accusing us. Each of us, Christians included, is oppressed directly and specifically by the enemy in the way I am describing. This attack uses the sentences and voices we are familiar with from the past. We feel as if we are simply speaking to ourselves in our heads. And this is the enemy's first deception: 'I am not here. It's just you struggling with all these things.' Many of us live our whole lives being defeated by this accusation. And indeed, deep in our hearts, the anxiety, shame, and self-contempt we often feel are like the attack of a roaring lion no matter what calmness or other personality device we learn to cover it with on the outside. We hide the lion's roar because he has convinced us that it is just us and we would be roundly scorned if we were to admit these things to others.

When the adversary is involved, the intensity of feelings provoked by the everday occurrences of life can be compared to gasoline poured on a fire. The fire would burn (i.e., we would hurt) even without the gasoline, but its additional fuel totally consumes the kindling of our souls in an inferno of shame and contempt. We feel ashamed for and contemptuous of ourselves as well as scornful of the people who have 'caused' us such pain. They literally become our enemies that must be appeased or defeated. Meanwhile, the real enemy who caused this conflagration sits unnoticed in the background, full of glee. The whole experience is somewhat like being slapped in the back of the head in the school hallway. You turn around to find a boy next to you and slap him back, while the real culprit is already yards away, enjoying the conflict he has instigated."

the game's over.

in the middle of my mother effing pitch black undying endless unrelenting inescapable darkness,
i have two things to say:

the spirit is willing,
but the flesh indeed is WEAK.

my heart and my flesh may fail,
but GOD is my portion FOREVA.

sigh. save me from myself. SAAAAVEEE MEEEE!!!!! *tears hair out and stomps on ground* God, WHYyyy must you be... so..... good... to... force me to become... less me and more like you.... aaaahaaaa..

please excuse me as a work in progress, who also only had four hours of sleep. & with that, ahem, i bid you adieu. *curtsy*

flashing lights = fleeting love

1) why are UCLA extension classes so expensive? i want to take a photography class at night and that crap is ... way too expensive. i also want to take public health courses, and those are just as expensive. WHY!! i just want to learn! please let me learn! =( and why does SMC not offer any night photography classes for winter 2010, and no public health classes period? and why does elco not have their winter schedule up yet? boooof. and harbor doesn't offer photography classes. dzzzaang. failure on all fronts. blast you public educational system.

3) HE WANTS US TO BE KIND. i will say it again. HE WANTS US TO BE KIND. TO. ALL.

4) i've said this before as well, but ... His eyes, that burn like blazing fire, they burn for you. they burn for me. He's so freaking jealous that sometimes......... it annoys me a little. because He makes it so that distractions are taken away, but the reason those things were distractions in the first place were because i found them enjoyable/worthy of idolizing/pleasing to my flesh, so that is annoying. but then, that makes room for Him to open the eyes of my heart, and then i find this total acceptance and gratefulness because i KNOW, i know He has chosen something better for me. He's chosen Himself to take the rightful place on the throne of my heart. YES! and then i'm just like... joyful. joyful, more than happy. more in love with something real, than some image that i have created to worship. my adulterous ass heart. hahaha. good thing He's like tom cruise in mission impossible, and i'm the mission impossible, made possible, by the perfect sacrifice of a perfect man who died to make imperfect people like me, perfect. (the perfect sacrifice part comes from the I <3 Revolution Hillsong movie i watched yesterday, but the mission impossible stuff? that's all me, bbyboooos).

5) speaking of the Hillsong movie, i really liked it. what i liked, was that i was not moved so much by the images of broken, hungry, dirty and dirt-poor children, women, and men. i was moved, when they started talking about love. when they started preaching the gospel, about God, who identified Himself with the broken, and... did the aforementioned, about the perfect sacrifice. and how, we, as we step into that love, and grow in it, and gain identity from who we are in relation to our Creator, ... good things happen. the people around us, will benefit. the communities we live in, will benefit. this world we live in, will change for the better. and when that is not happening, something is wrong on the inside. we are not really getting the point. i realize now, how God is trying to get me to understand who the freak i am. and it all starts with Him. i'm loving this. what a privilege it is, to be lit on the inside. to have a brain and a heart and a soul to enjoy all this. i felt very grateful during the movie to be in a place where i know i can do something. i felt responsible. i felt the love of God inside me. i felt His heart, just a little bit. i was also taken back to my 2007 Uganda trip, because they did a segment on Gulu, where my life was changed, and it was good and necessary to be brought back to it. BUT. in the theater, esppeeeecially with Hillsong, it was so easy to get caught up in the epic glory of flashing lights, huge crowds, and illustrious words like LOVE, COMPASSION, HUMANITY, and just say, I'M IN! i remembered my 2009 summer in Uganda and was like... love does not look like this. i have to remember that love COSTS. a LOT. it's painful, it's sacrificial, it sucks. it's when you walk in the hot sun, hungry and thirsty, to spend time and love on dirty, smelly people who might not even smile back at you, who might even reject you, and to give all of your energy and effort to them. it's when you give up everything you want so that they might have what they need. it's when you're willing to get your body nailed to an effing construction of wood and then hung for hours until you suffocate to death. yeah. it's much harder than a glamorous movie makes it seem. it's also much more worth it than a movie could ever display. i want to be that person. i will be that person. oh God, please let me be like that. like You. willing.

7) Love is patient, love is kind. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. God is love. God is patient, God is kind. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails. but we do. we, as the Church, as being REPRESENTATIVE of who God is, have failed.. miserably. we are known more for what we stand against, than what we stand FOR. we are known more for who we leave out, than who we allow IN. i hate being associated with that. imagine how much more God hates it.

8) this entry is uncharacteristically blantantly and unapologetically Jesus-ed out. mm. i want to go deeper. SOOO much deeper. i want to search You out, .. deep cries out to deep.... this great mystery, all of it, i want to be where You are, i want i want i want it. i feel like all of this has been burning in my heart very quietly, very calmly, but not this morning

9) in the 1.5 hour i spent on a street south of wilshire in westwood yesterday, i saw 7 friends and acquaintances coincidentally. i was genuinely happy to see them all, as i usually am with people i know. hi sooj if you're reading this! :)

10) i signed up for a 24-hour fitness membership. good job me! i look forward to spending my nights after work working out, and then starting in on reading the 51, literally 51 (i counted yesterday), books i have in my bookcase that i bought but have not read yet. the choices include: les miserables, the brothers karamazov, east of eden, atlas shrugged, into the wild, the narnia series, the lord of the rings series, wicked, and so on. yaaayyyy.

11) i'm excited to turn 22. as tammy put it, it's because my current life matches my age. i'd also add that i am just very grateful to be where i'm at in my life, and i feel like there is much to celebrate and thank God for.

12) my favorite number. oh and another good site i found: http://www.jumpdavidjump.typepad.com/jump_david_jump/. the blog of a 27-year old man who is dying of brain cancer.